To First Love or Not To First Love?

First loves met during their impressionable age, separated tragically and then meet again as adults. This is the common theme of most Korean dramas, having watched Angel Eyes and now just started on I Miss You, prompted me to reflect on my own experience.

I ransacked my brain, trying to locate memories of my “first love”. Do I even have any? Do I even experienced what others would termed “first love”?

And when  I was about to give up, an aha moment befell me!

That year was 1994, my first day of high school. I packed my school bag, lunch and everything else that I need and waited for school bus to come. From afar, I saw the bus turning the corner towards where I was waiting. The bus stopped in front of me, I got up and there he was. So handsome. His boyish charm, his brown eyes, his brownish blackish hair. There’s something geeky and nerdy about him. The shy smile. I could only imagine when he really smile smile, it must have been dazzling. And then just in time, I caught that smile, so dazzling, I was almost blinded by it. A smile that I could never forget for a long time to come.

Suddenly the prospect of school became so intense and exciting, I looked forward to school everyday. Mondays through Fridays never looked so exciting, I mourned Fridays because Fridays will be the last day of school. After a few weeks of stealing glances, heaven’s door opened, he came up to me and we started talking. God must have heard my pleas of desperation. And, just like that, our relationship started.

We went for a few ice-cream dates, we held hands and we hung out at each other’s house.

We talked on the phone all the time, this was back in pre-smartphone days. Back in the days when letter writing was part of the dating game. No one does dating without writing each other letters, finding creative ways to get these letters to each other without being caught by our parents and teachers. We even had to deploy our friends to be the messengers.

Thinking back we have come a long way.

What you guys are doing is nothing compared to what were doing back then.

Everything was going well until one fine day, we just drifted apart. He was to sit for his major national exam that year, we spent less time together saw less of each other, the letter exchanges became less frequent, from twice a week to once a month and eventually it just stopped. Phone calls stopped coming too. We just stop talking to each other, we didn’t officially broke up, we just knew that it’s ended.

5 years later…………..

We indeed met again as adults, we were both in college and back to hometown during the school break. That was the last time I saw him.

For this exercise, I dug out my old photos, man I couldn’t recognise the boy that I was so infatuated with. The boy that I thought was everything to me, that boy was my world, when he smiled he lit up my world. But the photo that I had in my hand is beyond recognition. The eyes that were staring back at me were the eyes of stranger.

The life that I have led felt so far away now, it felt like a world away, remote and a world that I am no longer a part of.

What’s better way to stalk your ex if not using the tool that’s most convenient to us, the Facebook. Thank God for technology. He still has that same smile on his face, that same dazzling smile that had my heart fluttered. Maybe a little heavier on the paunch and I did not realise how much I have missed him.


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